Ways to Pass the Time
I recently attended a mandatory training class for food safety. The class was 16 hours long, spread over two days. I had, respectively, two hours of sleep before day one and three hours before day two. Needless to say, I needed something to keep me awake. Since my friend Mike Autry was sitting next to me, I made good use of his notebook to write insults taken directly from the class lectures.
A sampling:
Me: You’re a virus.
Mike: Your mom is a virus.
Me: You’re a vicious cycle.
Mike: Your mom.
Me: You’re a toxin.
Mike: True. (He had a cold at the time.)
Me: You’re a federal regulatory agency.
Mike: Your insults are lame.
Me: You don’t react very well.
Me: You’re an unsanitized probe.
Me: You’re a potentially hazardous food.
Me: You’re a pathogen.
Me: You’re a source of contamination.
Mike: You’re the source of all evil.
Me: You’re a safety hazard.
Me: You’re slimy.
Mike: You’re moldy.
Me: You’re a common oven.
Mike: You’re nuthin’ but a toaster oven.
Me: You’re a mister head.
Me: You’re a microgrowth.
Mike: You’re a crustacean.
Me: You need to be tested once a year.
Mike: You need to be tested once a day.
Me: You’re a pest.
Me: You’re rat bait.
Mike: You’re a chemical rodenticide.
Me: You’re a nuisance.
Mike: You need backflow devices.
Mike: You’ve got “the ants.”
Me: You are an infestation.
Mike: You’re a blowfly.
Mike: You’re a class I recall - you could kill someone.
Me: Your breath could.
Mike: You are not reputable.
Me: You’re at the farm level.
Mike: Your mom.
Mike wants to make it clear that he means no offense to my actual mom.
March 14th, 200812:12 pm at
We are ridiculous. Between the notes and the nodding off, it will really be a wonder if we pass the stupid test. Oh, what am I going to do if I can’t get business cards that say CFSM????
March 16th, 20081:20 pm at
“You need backflow devices.”
Priceless!